I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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