Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
