im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
