At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
