I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
