Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
