he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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