I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
