I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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