non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
