i just had sex bonerless
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
