I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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