tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
