Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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