This is not my ceiling
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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