life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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