Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
