No stitches, just platelets and will power
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i dont even know how to be here
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
