You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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