I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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