she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How's work?
Spinning.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
