exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
