I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
