I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
