My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
