Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
