Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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