Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
