So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
