No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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