if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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