I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
