she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
