You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
