Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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