You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
