i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
