ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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