In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
