i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
