woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
