My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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