he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I did not marry a roomba.
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