only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
