I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
