turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
either way he was missing a nipple.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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