I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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