Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I cannot find my penis.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She bit a glass in half.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
