There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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