his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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