I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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