half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
